Sometimes I feel like this inside, a bottomless pit. Its kind of a crappy feeling I won't lie, I feel like I'm falling not sure when I will hit rock bottom (at least at rock bottom there is a bright side of being able to start my way back up) but no. Here I fall, deep down confused about a lot of things, I'm sort of a routine kind of girl. When things don't align I go crazy. I thought at first it was because of my boy, two weeks without a word from him has had me on the edge for sure, but there was something else as well...the thing is I couldn't figure out what that THING was. It was driving me nuts, oh ya uncertainty is also something that doesn't work well with me (and here I am waiting for a missionary-oh the irony lol)
I've been praying and reading my scriptures searching for the answer, it wasn't coming which brought me down even further :( Then as I was chatting with Marlee one afternoon she mentioned something that Brigham Young had said but couldn't remember the exact wording so I went onto
www.lds.org and I searched the word trials. I got this awesome quote:
"Rather than simply passing through trials, we must allow trials to pass through us in ways that sanctify us." -Neal A Maxwell.
It hit me, I couldn't just let this hard patch pass, it wasn't going to be as easy as sitting and waiting for the storm to pass. Instead I had to learn to dance in the rain-which isn't something I'm used to doing. I had to recognize my weaknesses that Satan was revealing unto me through this process and take them and turn them into strengths, so I should actually thank Satan for bringing me down into this state of misery because you actually brought me closer to my loving Heavenly Father and made me a stronger individual.
I began to listen to Glee songs (go ahead and judge if ya want but I love that show) while I was at work, man how they changed my mood- I started to listen to the words and realizing I am who I am. I've been given these characteristics, sure sometimes I wish there was an exchange center where I could swap some of my negative things for a positive ones but no, that is not how this works. Instead I realized who I am and learned to love them.
Some of you may be wondering right now how you didn't notice this happening, I seemed so happy and cheerful. Ya well I don't show my feelings very well, I'm really good at keeping it inside and not talking about it lol so if this is coming as a shock to you I apologize for not talking about it but it wasn't something i wanted to broadcast mostly because the fact I didn't know exactly what it was. But this was one of those personal trials I had to face, I'm writing it now because I'm getting over it, but I need to write it down to really get off my chest.
Life is like a roller-coaster, you experience the highs and lows and sometimes you get stuck in neutral (aka middle) Highs are awesome and the lows really suck but its at those times where you really come to find who your true friends are, what you stand for, and you gain a stronger testimony and relationship with your Heavenly Father gets stronger. I know this gospel is true and when I am feeling all alone and lonely in life, all confused and sad I always have a loving Father in Heaven that cares for me, he gives me these trials to make me stronger. I also have an awesome Savior who has experienced EXACTLY what I am going through, he fought the same battle as I which is great strength that I lean on whenever I feel down. I love this gospel, its my beacon of hope, my foundation.
The light has been restored back into my life, I see life through a set of happy eyes, my perspective is back to optimistic. Although hard I'm grateful for my trials, they make me stronger. :D
